Can Self-Compassion Help with Parental Stress?
How often do you catch yourself judging what you could have done differently as a parent?
Perhaps you were overwhelmed by the constant night feedings and ended up snapping at your partner or family members, leaving you with a twinge of regret and guilt. Maybe you struggled to get your kids to their extracurricular activities on time due to a packed schedule, and now you’re beating yourself up about it. Or you might have brushed off your child’s concerns about a friendship issue, and now you’re questioning your empathy. Enter self-compassion—an antidote to shame, guilt, self-criticism, and judgment (Sirois et al., 2018).
Understanding self-compassion goes beyond merely being gentle with yourself. Imagine self-compassion as an umbrella during a storm. When parenting feels like a relentless downpour of challenges, self-compassion provides support, helping you navigate through the rain. It’s not just about having warm, fuzzy feelings; it's about equipping yourself with a practical approach to manage the stresses and difficulties of parenting.
According to Dr. Kristen Neff, a leading expert in the field, self-compassion is more than just a kind gesture toward yourself—it’s a powerful strategy for managing stress and adversity. Dr. Neff (2009) describes self-compassion as comprising three core components:
Self-Kindness (vs. Self-Judgment): This involves being caring and understanding toward yourself rather than being critical. Think of self-kindness as a comforting hug you give yourself during tough times, instead of taking a stiff upper lip approach.
Common Humanity (vs. Isolation): Recognize that all humans are imperfect and that you’re not alone in your struggles. Everyone faces challenges, and suffering is part of the shared human experience. It connects your personal difficulties to the broader human condition, offering a greater perspective on your shortcomings and struggles.
Mindfulness (vs. Overidentification): This means being fully present with your thoughts and feelings, acknowledging them without getting caught up (i.e., rumination) in them or ignoring any parts of yourself or your life.
Dr. Neff (2009) summarizes that these elements work together to create a self-compassionate mindset. Compassion toward oneself can be offered during times of suffering that are beyond one's control, as well as when suffering results from one's own mistakes, failures, or shortcomings.
How Self-Compassion Helps in Parenting
Embracing these principles of self-compassion can transform how you manage and mitigate the stresses of parenting. Research shows that self-compassion offers practical benefits at every stage of parenthood (e.g., Fernandes et al., 2023; Gouveia et al., 2016; Sirois et al., 2018).
During the early days of sleepless nights with a newborn, self-compassion can act as a supportive buffer against self-criticism and help alleviate postpartum depressive symptoms and mood swings (Fernandes et al., 2023; Pedro et al., 2019). Women at risk for postpartum depression who exhibit high levels of self-compassion are less likely to experience symptoms, highlighting self-compassion as an effective preventive measure (Monteiro et al., 2019).
As your child grows, a compassionate approach to parenting can significantly enhance your ability to stay engaged and attuned to their emotions (Gouveia et al., 2016). A recent systematic review of thirteen studies on parenting interventions incorporating self-compassion found these approaches significantly reduced parental depression, anxiety, and stress while enhancing mindfulness (Jefferson et al., 2020). Research also supports that self-compassion helps reduce feelings of shame and guilt among parents (Sirois et al., 2018). Neglecting to counteract self-critical thoughts with self-compassion can exacerbate personal struggles. Additionally, higher levels of self-compassion in parents are linked not only to reduced stress but even more effective parenting styles, such as authoritative parenting (known for being supportive and secure), while decreasing authoritarian and permissive approaches (Gouveia et al., 2016).
Additionally, research on parents of children with autism revealed that self-compassion is associated with higher life satisfaction, increased hope, and goal reengagement, while being inversely related to depression and parental stress (Neff & Faso, 2015). Crucially, in this study self-compassion predicted overall parental well-being beyond the effects of child symptom severity (Neff & Faso, 2015).
Incorporating self-compassion into your daily routine—whether you’re a new parent, recently postpartum, or further along in your parenting journey—can help you become less self-critical and more resilient, bringing a host of other benefits. Embracing self-compassion can ease the emotional ups and downs of parenthood at any stage.
You might be asking, “That all sounds great, but how do I actually practice self-compassion, and how can it make a difference in my life?” Continue reading to discover practical ways to integrate self-compassion into your life.
Practical Tips for Cultivating Self-Compassion
Start with Self-Kindness: Instead of succumbing to harsh self-judgment, treat yourself with the same compassion and understanding you would extend to a close friend. Neff (2023) suggests pausing to acknowledge your difficulties and pain, and to let yourself be moved by them, by asking: “This is really tough right now. How can I take care of myself in this moment?” or “How would I respond to a friend facing a similar situation?” By addressing yourself with warmth and empathy, you foster a sense of validation and support akin to the kindness you receive from others. Such reflections can help you practice self-kindness and diminish self-criticism (Neff, 2023).
Embrace Common Humanity: Recognize that many parents face similar challenges, and you are not alone in your struggles. In the early days of parenting, basic needs like sleep, healthy eating, and exercise are often limited. Additionally, societal pressures to be perfect and the tendency to blame ourselves for any difficulties can persist throughout your child’s life. In an article for Psychology Today, Melissa Weinberg (2021) explained that the expectations placed on modern parents—particularly mothers—and the pressures we impose on ourselves can often be unrealistic. Parents frequently bear the full weight of caregiving alone, without a supportive network (Weinberg, 2021). Understanding these systemic factors can help you avoid excessive self-blame and recognize that you are part of a flawed system that inadequately supports parents, seeing your difficulties as part of the broader human experience (Monteiro et al., 2019; Sirois et al., 2018; Weinberg, 2021). When overwhelmed by personal responsibility in parenting, it’s easy to focus on self-blame rather than seeing the systemic issues at play. It’s time to change that perspective.
Take a moment to visualize your common humanity as a parent, remembering that you are not isolated in your challenges. Even if you haven’t found them yet, supportive communities and resources are available. Connecting with a therapist or joining a support group can help you feel less alone and more connected with others who understand your experiences.
Practice Mindfulness: Consider beginning mindfulness training to observe your thoughts and feelings without letting them overwhelm or distort your perspective. Mindfulness helps you avoid overidentifying with your emotions, leading to a clearer and more balanced understanding of your experiences (Fernandes et al., 2023; Pedro et al., 2019).
Explore Self-Compassion Exercises: Neff offers various guided practices on her website, including meditations, journaling exercises, and guided imagery. Here’s a simple exercise from Neff to get you started.
Take a Self-Compassion Pause
Recall a challenging situation causing you stress. Bring this to mind and notice the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.
Say to yourself:
This is a moment of suffering: Acknowledge your pain. Alternatives include:
This hurts.
Ouch.
This is stress.
Suffering is a part of life: Remind yourself of common humanity. Alternatives include:
Other people feel this way.
I’m not alone.
We all struggle.
Place your hands over your heart and feel their warmth. Alternatively, adopt a soothing touch that feels right for you. Say:
May I be kind to myself: Consider what you need to hear to express kindness to yourself. Possible phrases include:
May I give myself the compassion I need.
May I learn to accept myself as I am.
May I forgive myself.
May I be strong.
May I be patient.
This practice is accessible anytime and serves as a gentle reminder to invoke self-compassion when you need it most.
Self-compassion can be a valuable approach for navigating the challenges of parenting. By integrating self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness into your approach, you can manage stress more effectively and address a range of concerns with greater ease. This practice helps create a more supportive and balanced environment for both yourself and your child. There are numerous compassion-based books and online resources available to guide you on your journey. Additionally, connecting with a therapist who specializes in self-compassion can provide personalized support and insights.